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Posts Tagged ‘stop fighting’

All Sales Final!

Sunday, February 26th, 2012

I’ve found in the marriage counseling area of my hypnosis practice in Atlanta, that if the courting of each person is not continued throughout the entire relationship, not just in the early phases, the marriage will not blossom and flourish. And if the relationship is not a happy one, possibly at least one of the parties will tire of it and then they might find themselves in a courtroom.

“He or she won’t listen to reason!” Translation – she or he argues when I try to get him or her to see it my way. Try this? If you both don’t agree, drop it! Anger won’t change them. You can’t win a fight! Period. There are very few people that don’t respond well to consideration, thoughtfulness, kindness and tenderness. Yet many won’t even try this unless they first get their way.

Respect must be at the center of every relationship. I’m not just talking about opening car doors, pulling out chairs and being polite, but respect for each other’s dreams, desires and opinionsOften the parties complain that they can’t communicate, when the fact is that they are communicating! It’s that at least one person doesn’t really care what the other one wants.  They want to get their own way, and they want to make sure that the other person sees it their way, and they believe that’s the only way that they will be happy.

This behavior started out when they only were a few days old. They found that if their diapers were wet or dirty and they cried, someone came and changed them! They also found that if they were hungry and cried, they were fed! If they had stomach gas and they cried, someone burped them! They then found out that if they were just lying in the crib bored and they cried, someone picked them up and gave them the attention they wanted!!! They learned and taught those around them that if they cried, they wanted attention or their own way. Many parents always gave in to that crying and thus, reinforced that behavior. This child developed a feeling of entitlement.

Later when they were dating, they found that there were qualities and habits in the other person that they liked, but other habits drove them up the wall. Not a problem, they’ll change that other person. They may or may not have moved from crying; to more advanced methods of manipulation, but one way or another, they worked to change the other person. When they didn’t prevail they became distant, withheld affection, love and then sex. Guess what? None of these approaches worked.

Wouldn’t it be nice if the other person could be changed into what we would like them to be? But you can’t change anyone else’s behavior, you can only change yours! Guess what? You’ll like it and so will your partner in life. Most often when we change ourselves, our husband, wife or partner will change their behavior in response. No one likes to be told what to do or be made to do it. That isn’t the way we want it to be, but that is the way it is.

Can a marriage or relationship that’s gone sour be turned around? Yes, but both parties must understand that each has changes in their behavior that need to be made. Behavioral changes can only be made in the cognitive maps that reside in the subconscious mind. And… the only way to access this subconscious mind is through hypnosis, as hypnosis is the bridge to the subconscious mind.

I have found in my hypnotherapy practice in Atlanta Georgia that it would be helpful if the people that one gets in relationships with, would carry a warning label that read; “all sales final… please choose carefully.” People allow themselves not only to get into, but to stay in relationships where they’re unhappy. I see a number of single people that are in unhappy relationships. I ask them “you are staying in this relationship because?” instead of stating the reason why, they cite an example of the partner’s shortcomings. I ask the question again. “You are staying in this relationship because?” They then cite another example of the person’s inconsideration. Why don’t they just get out? I also deal with people that are abused. Why don’t they get out either? Why don’t they leave?

One – They feel that may never find someone else and then they’ll be alone. Being alone frightens many people, but being alone is preferable to being with the wrong person.

Two – People like to keep things familiar. There’s been much talk about the term “comfort zone.” This writer believes that”comfort zone” is a misnomer. Many people are miserable in their so called comfort zone. What it should be called is the familiar zone because we like to keep things familiar.

Is there anything that one can do if they are in a sour relationship before pulling the plug? Actually there is. Understand this; both you and your partner will have to make behavioral changes and mentioned before, these changes must be made in the subconscious mind. If you’re hurting, if your relationship is broken or you want it to be the way you always hoped it would be, call Bob Crow at 404.277.1827 for a complimentary consultation.

Watch “Courting or  Courtroom?” on the marital counseling tab.


Courting or Courtroom?

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

It’s been said that marriage counseling is either the first or the last step toward divorce. In conventional marriage counseling the counselor acts as an umpire.  Instead of fighting in private, they now have an audience! Perhaps this is good training for a reality television show!  Somethings have been revealed to me in counseling and in life.  One – you cannot change anyone else. Period. You may try love. You may try withdrawing love and even withdrawing sex, but you cannot manipulate or bring about change in anyone but yourself.  Two – you can never win an argument with someone you love or care about. You can hurt them.  You can point out how they are wrong. You can even make your point… but you will never win an argument. Think about this.

When we were two years old we went into “the terrible twos.” That was when we developed an agenda. It never coincided with anyone else’s,  but we tried. We felt that if we could only get our way in the world… we would be happy. How we tried. We manipulated. Some times with temper. Sometimes with anger. Sometimes we withdrew our love or warmth.  We learned how to show “conditional love. “If you give me my way, I will love you or be nice to you.” Our behavior was based on the concept of conditional love. Conditional love became one of our main tools in the continuing battle for what we believed to be our right… happiness. We felt that if things only went our way, we would be happy. When things did go our way, we weren’t happy. We’d moved on to something else that if we got our way in… we would then be happy.

It didn’t work then, and it hasn’t worked yet. It never will. Unfortunately, many of the people who are married – shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.  Before they got married they knew that there were deficiencies in the other person that weren’t acceptable. But… they really liked or though they liked a lot of qualities in the other person, and  knew that if they could only bring about the changes in the other person that they desired, everything would be okay. We still hadn’t learned the concept of unconditional love. If playing nice didn’t work, we withheld nice… just like when we were a child. If love didn’t work, we withheld love… just like when we were a child. And then as an adult we withheld intimacy. We actually inter spaced that with threatening divorce. Not much different from saying “I hate you” to your parents or grand parents or to your friends.

We grew into adulthood with the concept in our head that if we got our way, we’d be happy. And we strove to get our way then and now, regardless of the consequences to anyone else.

How do we then change our mate? You’re not going to like this but we first start making changes in ourselves. One immediately quits condemning, complaining and criticizing. Furthermore, we discontinue threatening divorce. Many couples begin this threat soon after they get married. At that point they really aren’t contemplating it, but it is a tool designed to hurt. And it did and it does. Is there a way to salvage our relationships in a win win scenario. Actually there is.

A film was released called “Fireproof”. It showed the deterioration of a young couple’s relationship and marriage. The film was on target. If getting our way is the only way that we can be happy… and if unconditional love instead of conditional love is a concept that we won’t buy into, there isn’t much that can be done.

Remember when you were courting each other. You were considerate. You respected each other’s desires and opinions. You were thoughtful. You were caring. You always put your best foot forward. But when you were sure that you had captured the other person – you began to take them for granted. This could well have happened before you got married. But, there was a certain momentum going and anyway it was too late to stop things as the invitations had gone out.

Your first and foremost objective  should not be to cut and run. If you want to fix your marriage, it is counter productive to spend great amounts of my time and your energy attempting to prove just how wrong, how unjust, and how unfair your mate is. Once both of you have stated your case, and you’ll have plenty of time to do so, what is needed is to move on and fix things. I am not going to sit there each session and be a referee. What is the point in that? Once again – the relationship needs fixed… not rehashed. In all but a very very few cases, not only will the relationship be saved… but it will be much much better than it ever was before. I’ve never seen a troubled relationship where it was all one persons fault. What if your focus was to change deficits in you and let your partner change their own deficits?  We all have them. Wouldn’t it change the dynamics of the healing process? It was stated earlier in this article that you cannot change the other person. You really can’t.  There are many many things that can be done to save most marriages… as long as the parties do not let false pride get in the way and they both give it a 110% effort.  Once again, fixing blame is not as rewarding as fixing the relationship!

If you want to save your relationship call Bob Crow at 404.277.1827 for a complimentary appointment.